The Last Rites Of Kodaka Hasegawa
by Emperorwatergate
Summary: Kodaka has all the important things in a normal teenage boy's life: friends, the Rocky Horror Picture Show, the Twilight Zone, a demon from another multiverse possessing his body, etc. Kodaka's life is changed when he's possessed by the demon Gusion. But is this a curse, a blessing, or something in between? I don't own Haganai, but you knew that.
1. Genesis

Picture the Neighbors Club, a small club in St. Chronica Academy. The purpose of this club is to help its seven members gain friends. Oddly enough, the fact is lost on most of them that they are friends with each other. Our cast of strange characters includes Kodaka Hasegawa, a good man commonly mistaken for a thug, Yozora Mikazuki, a girl whose cold demeanor hides deep insecurities, Sena Kashiwazaki, a girl that appears to have it all, and yet has so little, Yukimura Kusunoki, a nice girl with an obsession with masculinity, Rika Shiguma, a teenage genius with an overactive sex drive, Kobato Hasegawa, the sister of our hero, who prefers to live in a fantasy world rather than her boring reality, and Maria Takayama, the young, slightly selfish moderator of the club. Their lives are about to change. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon. For one's life always changes once they enter...the Twilight Zo-

Oh. Wait. Wrong show. Well, this is embarrassing. But who cares what I think? I mean, do I really care what you think? Who are you, anyway? I mean, are you following any of this? Who am I? Oh, nobody important. Not right now, anyway. Now that I'm done talking, let's get to our story:

It was a cold Monday afternoon. The club members were waiting for Rika, who hadn't shown up yet.

"Where do you think she is?" asked Kodaka.

"Probably doing something perverted," replied Yozora.

"Like what?" asked Sena.

"Oh, wouldn't _you_ like to know, Meat?" she replied, referencing Sena's interest in erotic video games.

"Stupid Yozora," she muttered under her breath.

"She wasn't in the lab all day," said Maria. "Maybe she's sick."

Kobato laughed. "Humans have such weak immune systems."

"If she were sick, she would've told us," said Yukimura. "It's possible she wants to surprise us with something."

"Knowing Rika," said Kodaka, "we should be either excited or terrified."

Rika kicked open the door. She was holding a DVD case and a DVD player.

"...You could've just put the stuff down and opened the door."

"You have a point, Kodaka." Rika went back through the doorway, put the case and player down, closed the door, opened it again, picked the case and player up, and came back in the room.

"That's...not what I meant."

"Everyone, I have an important announcement to make! I have spent all day watching..." She held up the DVD excitedly. "THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, **THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!** And it's foreign! American or British or something."

"What's so good about it?" asked Yozora.

"It's a cultural phenomenon! It represents the **bold** sexuality of the '70's, the musical talents of Meatloaf and Richard O'Brien, and TIM! MOTHER! FUCKING! CURRY!"

"You mean the guy who played Pennywise?" asked Kodaka.

"YEAH, BOY!"

"So, um, Rika, how much sleep have you had?" asked Sena.

"Either too much or not enough! And the best part is, DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!" Realizing there were no drums in the room, Rika simply punched a small hole in the wall. "WE'RE GONNA BE PUTTING ON A PLAY BASED ON THE MOVIE, WHICH IN ITSELF IS BASED ON A PLAY!" She pulled out some paper from a pocket in her lab coat, and passed them around. "Yozora, you're playing the male lead, Brad Majors! He's a hero."

"He sounds like an asshole," said Sena.

"Why am I playing the guy?"

"Because you have the hair for it. Sena, you're playing the female lead, Janet Weiss! She a heroine."

"She sounds like a slut," said Yozora.

"Yukimura, you're playing the villain, Dr. Frank N. Furter! He's a scientist."

"I don't know, I'm not really good at acting."

"Kobato, you're playing Frank's butler, Riff Raff! He's a handyman."

"You humans and your shallow methods of entertainment. I suppose I shall do it, if only to humor you."

"Maria, you're playing Frank's maid and Riff Raff's sister, Magenta! She's a domestic."

"A domestic what?"

"Kodaka, you're playing Frank's Frankenstein's monster, Rocky Horror! He's a creation."

"So he's a...Frank N. Stein's monster?"

"I'm going to fucking smack you. And finally, I'll be playing Dr. Everett Scott, or should I say, Dr. VON Scott!"

"Sieg Heil," said Yozora.

"He's rival scientist. And I'll also be playing Eddie, Dr. Scott's nephew! He's an ex-delivery boy."

"What kind of delivery boy delivers exes?" asked Maria.

"There's also Columbia, she's a groupie, and the Criminologist, he's an expert. Maybe Maria and Sena's sisters could play them."

"I guess I could ask her."

"Alright, I'll ask Stella."

"Anyway, let's watch the movie! It starts with a song, followed by the Criminologist's narration." She set up the DVD player, pushed the couch that Maria was lying on (which ended up pushing Maria off of said couch) in front of the TV, and put the DVD in the player. "Actually, one of you get some popcorn and soda. Do we have any?"

"Yeah, there's some here," said Yozora. "Yukimura, go get it."

"But you're closer to it."

"And you're wearing the maid outfit."

When Yukimura had gotten the popcorn and soda, Rika started the movie. "I should warn you: the man you are about to see has no fucking neck."

After the movie, the club members sat on the couch in silence. "That was weird, gay, overtly sexual, and completely insane," said Yozora.

"Let's watch it again," said Sena.

"That's the first good idea you've ever had, Meat."

Note: Questions and reviews are always appreciated!~


	2. A Confederacy Of Meats

The day after the Rocky Horror thing, the club members, Kate, and Stella were waiting for Rika.

"Twice in a row. Seriously?" asked Yozora.

Rika opened the door and stumbled in.

"Ugh...what did Rika do yesterday? She was trying to invent a new sleep aid, and she blacked out."

"Apparently," said Kodaka, "we're doing the Rocky Horror Picture Show in play form."

"...That's an amazing idea."

"Well, you thought of it."

"Rika did? She can't remember anything."

"Yeah," interrupted Sena, "and you were speaking in the first person."

"Weird."

"It was kinda unnerving."

Rika noticed some paper in her lab coat pocket. She pulled it out and looked it over.

"At least I have my script."

"So where should we start?" asked Kate.

"Maybe at the Criminologist's narration?"

"Then I guess I'l start reading," said Stella. "I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey. It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors and his fiancee, Janet Weiss-"

"-Unfortunately played by Meat and I."

"Stupid Yozora."

"-two young, ordinary, healthy kids, left Denton that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Everett Scott, ex-tutor, and now friend-"

"What kind of loser is friends with their teacher?" asked Yozora.

"I don't know. What kind of loser interrupts someone to assert their false superiority over those who actually have friends, despite how they met?" Stella responded dryly. Sena high-fived her.

"Stupid Meats," Yozora muttered under her breath.

"-and now friend to both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were driving. It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air, but they being normal kids and on a night out...well, they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening, were they? On a night out...it was a night out they were going to remember...for a very long time."

"That was amazing, Stella!" said Rika cheerfully. "Okay, Sena, that's your cue!"

"Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us. They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all."

"That's great, now Yozora."

"Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type."

"Oh...what's the matter, Brad, darling?"

"Hmm...we must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back."

"Oh, but where did that motorcyclist come from?"

"Hmm...well, I guess we'll just have to turn back."

"Okay, Sena, still good. Uh, Yozora, you're a little flat in your tone, but other than that it was alright."

"What do you mean, I'm flat?"

"I mean...well, I mean you're emotionless, you're...flat."

"That's one way of putting it," said Sena.

"Shut up, Meat."


End file.
